October 15, 2018

Link to Part 1

Dear Diary,

 I ended my last entry explaining that myself and the male had decided to meet up and talk about what was going on and what had happened, which was the grown thing for both of us to do rather than yelling at each other on the phone.

He is not too far from my workplace so I agreed to meet with him. We meet up and he begins to tell his story… he basically tells me that when we first met in November, he was single and had nobody in his life. After our Christmas getaway in December, a woman he used to talk to contacted him and told him that she was pregnant (so all that time and investigation was all correct!). He said it was a huge shock for him being that this was going to be his first child and also an unexpected one. He said it was so hard for him to take in the whole situation that he didn’t know how to tell me and also because he really liked me and didn’t want me to leave him so he just kept quiet. He told me that he had no intentions to hurt me especially because I had opened up to him about my past and he did not want to be put into that category of men in my life (at this point he already was).

This was not the end of his secrets…

His business was profiting well until one day he lost a large amount of money which is majority of what he had saved. Ever since then money has been tight. But if things had been on the right path he would have done things to make me happy and we would have bought that house together that we were always talking about.  

When we first met all the qualities were there: university degree, a job, a car (which I thought was his) funny, nice, sweet. But now he is: financially unstable, living at home, no car, a job that doesn’t pay much and a side hustle, a child and so much more unpackaged baggage…

This all too much for me to take in and I tell him I need time to think about it. He tells me to take all the time I need and he understands with any choice I choose to make.

A week later I thought I had it all figured out and was ready to face him… I was ready to tell this guy no and see you later. So we agreed to meet up and talk once more. We met up in the evening and sit in the car and begin to talk. He tells me he is glad to see me because he misses me and he hopes I miss him too. I tell him I did not come to see you because I miss you but rather to talk and now this is my side of the story.

I tell this man who I’ve spent a whole year with, loving, giving everything I can to, pouring out my heart to, telling all my dark secrets to, that I have been played by him. That he has spent the past year and has played me and I am hurt and there is nothing he can say. He tried to interrupt me and say he didn’t mean to and it was his fault and he should have told me about the child so that I could decide if I wanted to stick around or leave, but I say it doesn’t matter. He tells me he is facing a lot in his life and he didn’t know how to tell me because he’s been hiding so much and its been hard for him (looking back this now reminds me of Nathan from Insecure). I tell him there were days I would worry about and wonder, meanwhile there was a baby shower being planned; it‘s like a stab in the back.

At this point I begin to cry because I‘ve now spent all this time on someone who couldn’t even invest in me. He tells me he hates to see me cry and wipes my tears but it is to late; what can be fixed at this point?

Nothing.

I tell him this will never work; I will never be able to trust him again because of this and the many other lies that were told.

I explained that I’m on a different path than him and I do not see a future coming back from this. His voice gets shaky and he begins to cry and now we both sit in silence crying (this is the first time I have ever seen this man cry so it was a lot to even take in).

He tells me to take all the time I need to think about this and maybe I will change my mind.

I let him know there is no coming back from this.

He says I was the first woman that he’s ever wanted to fight for and he wants to make me happy and he’s sorry for everything he did wrong. We exchange a very long hug and I drive away in tears.

Now this was not easy for me to write about; my emotions have been jumping but I want to share it because I truly believed that I had fallen in love and I don’t think I have had this feeling before.

I have dated men but I have never felt the way I did that I felt while in his presence and even after a break up I have always been able to brush it off after a fun night at the club, but I don’t know if I will come out of this the same way I have before.

This wasn’t just a guy I met on the beach; this is someone that I truly bonded with and it wasn’t easy just telling him I couldn’t continue to speak to him anymore.

Will we ever speak again?

I am unsure but I do know that life is extremely unpredictable and God works in mysterious ways. As I close off this entry, I would like to say over the course of 3 weeks before this incident I kept having dreams, and in these dreams he would come to me and say he was leaving because he had somewhere important to go and I would begin to cry while he left. I had this same dream probably 3 times and the week before this happened I told him about it and he said that it was strange. My mother always told me dreams were important and God gives you messages in mysterious ways and I now see the significance of her words. 

 

This whole experience has been hard for me and that being said I will need time to cope. I have been asked on dates but I have just postponed them out of fear of moving on and meeting someone new. I will try my best to get out there and experience what this world has left to offer. I appreciate all that have reached out to me so far.

Lots of love!

-Samantha

For any women that have reached out to share similar situations, I hope you do continue to do so. I am active on the Shea Butter Instagram page so feel free to DM and I will respond as I don’t have my own personal instagram page; I am happy to hear your experience and how you handled the situation.