February 26, 2018

Dear Diary,

Yesterday was a big day for me. I guess it would be big day for anyone in the black community that has a negative connotation towards therapy. I almost didn’t make it, because despite what I know – what I feel isn’t always the same.

Do I really need this?” is what I kept asking myself, trying to find a reason/excuse not to actually go, but I did – I made it.

A little intimidating, as I walked into the office; not because the therapist was scary or anything, but for me it was just scary period, thinking that you are about to open up and be the most honest you’ve ever been (maybe even to yourself) but now to a stranger.

The first thing I said was, “I have no idea what to expect and I almost didn’t make it…on purpose”. He ensured me that it’ll be fun – and I guess that was the start to my half decent session.

It wasn’t bad, I can’t even lie about it. I feel that I am pretty self-aware which was half the reason why I felt as if counselling wasn’t needed in the first place, but it was also the other half of the reason why I felt it was so necessary for the overall health of my wellbeing.

In a very short amount of time (because I was late for my session) I already learned to take different perspectives into closer consideration and what I “feel” isn’t always what is, especially when there’s a knowing behind it…go off what you know!

Also I’ve realized that everything that I use to enjoy when I was younger – I still enjoy! I just may have to find a new way to see the enjoyment in it again. Adulting comes at you fast, (and I stay steady wondering why the hell I was begging to be older when I was little…“I can’t wait until I’m 18” was my favourite line) but I’ve also been “tough” enough to handle it for the most part.

We all have those days – where it may just seem like too much or too stressful and for some people those days are way worse for them than others. So when I start feeling drained and not as “tough” as I once use to be – the self-critiquing sets in and boyyy, it can get ugly.

He told me I should start journaling and I thought to myself, well okay – that’s what I started Shea Butter Diaries for, but I’ve been lacking and letting “life” or the parts of life that we allow, to take over – but I’m back and working on my consistency harder than ever.

SELF REMINDER: The reason(s) I even decided to consider therapy was because as a young black woman, we go through a lot, we handle a lot, we deal with a lot, and we hold in even more. I want to be the best me, I want to break generational cycles and triumph the things that once use to control me (ie. Extreme mood swings & Depression).

I’m only getting older, and a family has been on my mind – but what kind of person would I be if I didn’t try to be the best me before bringing a child into this world…trying to teach them how to be the best them yet I’ve never even been there myself.


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