October 6, 2017

Dear Diary,

So much going on but I don’t know how to express it in words. I’m in the middle of self doubt and stuck in life. The search to know who I am & what role I have to play on the earth continues with a bag of confusion. 

Everything hurts! 

Have you been alone where it’s quiet but in your head it’s as loud as police sirens (noise) and you can’t turn it off? Well I feel like that’s where I am as of late. Finding myself caring less about important things (priority confusion). The feeling of wanting to achieve and don’t know where or how to obtain it. Most times I drag myself to get things done which is a horrible feeling. I have developed a trend of starting something with so much passion, then losing the momentum and drive…this repeats itself on a frequent basis.

Diary, I feel stuck! 

I have been going in circles for so long it has become a lifestyle. I feel like the children of Israel in the wilderness. 

Sigh. 

For some days now, I have been reflecting on what’s next and where do I go from here…is this my beginning or end?

The ironic part of all this is, deep down inside I’m actually running like Jonah. The fear of stepping into something that was given to me, and all I have to do is say “YES Lord!” to your will and your way. This is not one of those shallow prayers or ritualistic behaviour, but I’m talking the real hardcore relationship God has invited me to join. When will I say yes is the real question?

-Zauna

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