Dear diary,
Is he cheating on me, or am I cheating myself?
How can I forgive him? Can I move past this? Will I be able to trust him again?
Is it me? Am I not attractive anymore?
How could someone who claims they love you, hurt you?
Why?
How can a man you’ve given your heart to, supported, encouraged, helped, and motivate when anything, or better yet everything, was going wrong do this to me? I’ve replayed the explanation in my head over and over again, and I can’t understand for the life of me, why? This shit doesn’t make any sense.
“It was a mistake” doesn’t justify how your lover allowed himself to physically sleep with someone else…how long was he pursuing her? How long was this going on? How do I know it’s over? Does he have feelings for her? Do I deserve this? Why?
If I could turn off the interrogation button I’m putting my mind, body and soul through, maybe I could face the music. I’m avoiding contact with who I am, physically, mentally and emotionally all because of his infidelity.
It’s over.
I’ve been told , “I’m not the first neither will I be the last ” ,”No one is perfect and sometimes you have to forgive and move on”. Through all the advice I’ve auscultated, the only thing I’ve grasped was…trust. I know I’ve invested years…starting over will not be easy but I can’t forgive him and still be with him. I don’t deserve the torture of wondering if he will ever do to this to me again, and if it happens will he admit to it.
I was once the girl he eagerly pursued…I remembered the extent he went for me to notice him. I know this man, I know he didn’t take no for an answer with me. Did I also mention that he wasn’t single then?
I’ve lived my life forgetting my past, forgetting how I too was in the shoes of having to compromise. I was swept off my feet by the devil himself. Sweet lies, and to think he could change, the same tree that gave shade was the same tree that endured the heat. I got comfortable, our friendship became more and more next thing I knew we were together. I lost some friends based on the sacrifice my heart made without thinking it over with my brain. My sub-conscience was raw to scent of unfaithfulness.
I took this opportunity to forgive myself for allowing him into my life. This was my call from Karma and whether I answered or not she was here to stay. Not because of his decisions but mine…why did I involve myself with him? We’ve had some rough patches, the arguments was at it’s peak and now trust was officially destroyed.
Some women are stronger than others, and they often receive judgement based on their extent of forgiveness. They feel compelled to stay because of the years invested, the children, the collateral involved, financial attributes, the image of it all and most importantly pride. I love how God made us equally different, with our own limit, opinions, endurance, self esteem and so much more. I wasn’t weak because I didn’t fight for the six years…I wasn’t strong because I could walk away.
I was regaining me before him.
Cheating destroys your inner peace. It turns you into an analyst to everything your lover does or says. You know your worth…if anyone can forgive whole hardheartedly and move past the situation then I applaud them, as a person. If someone can’t , then I advise them to carry their scars and start a new chapter in their life. I’ve learned that you’ll do more damage to yourself staying and worrying…life is too short to cheat yourself from what you deserve!
My beauty mark remains.
-Tiffany
Shea Butter Diaries 