January 15, 2018

Dear Diary,

I got a call today. It was my father…I didn’t answer, & he left a voicemail.

Fair.

I also haven’t listened to the voicemail – and before this interaction I haven’t talked to him in who knows how long because I really wasn’t counting.

Daddy’s little girl grows up and still should be daddy’s little girl – right?

Anyway. He calls again – still didn’t answer, and yet another voicemail.

Mind you, I’m a grown ass woman okay! I gotssss things to do or not do, but regardless of my schedule, or lack thereof; I do what I wantssss, when I want.

Realistically I didn’t answer because I just wasn’t in the space and talking to my father – you have to be in the right space.

So he calls a second time and leaves another voicemail but I mean, really? Before you say to your daughter – “I called earlier & never got you. Hope everything’s okay call me when you get a chance”, you instead decide to come on big people’s phone & act a way and you expect what type of reaction or relationship from that?

Talk to me niceee!

Drawing it down into relationships now, my dad has horrible communication skills and in result of that I’ve decided to be the communicator but that shit gets tiring. Especially when it’s adult to adult and you’re feeling like shouldn’t you just know by now? And the older I’ve gotten the more I’ve grown and the wiser I’ve got. You know. The growth process, but is it stunted for some?

You start connecting the dots and of course some worse than others – it all boils down to horrible communication; it’s the cause for mostly all my failed relationships (despite that 98% of them cheated). But hey – we are talking about similarities in my father & partners aren’t we?

I just want to know how I can break this cycle.

I mean, I know no ones perfect, nothing’s guaranteed and relationships are hard work and commitment. But there’s always one person who’s in it more than the next & how do you effectively gauge that with horrible communication?

So now you’re more self aware and all your dots have been connected. Seeing how much similarities of your past partners there are because of familiarity – and if no one told you this. Let me be the one to tell you, just because it may “feel like home” doesn’t mean it is home or that it isn’t toxic.

Granted communication is a skill that can easily be learned and or strengthened, but there are so many people that don’t even know they can’t communicate & then when pointed out they’re already convinced that their way is okay or that it does work.

I know there are a listtttttt of reasons on why one may not be able to express themselves with effective efficient verbal content but it can be learned. WHY ARE THERE SO MANY PEOPLE NOT WILLING TO LEARN? I use to be a holder inner – although I COULD express myself it was hard for me because that “tough love and tough talking to” as a kid that I use to get, didn’t resonate with me like it may have with my brother for example. That put me in shut down mode…but I mean as you grow up you see the things that need improvement. And YOU IMPROVE THEM!

It’s like, did he set me up for failure in the love department? Nah for real though diary, somebody, anybody tell me. Have I been experiencing fuckboyism from childhood?

– The Healing Girl

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